Trust your Heart

by Kristi


It had been a long day at work. I was so tired that I literally fell asleep at my desk, so my supervisor sent me home early.

I know I should have called him to keep me awake as I drove or at least put music on as was his usual suggestion.uh hem.command. I just was too grumpy to do so. Even though I could barely keep my eyes open as I drove home.

When I walked in the door I barely nodded at him as I headed straight for our bed.

He was standing at the counter looking at mail when I heard his voice calmly say, "Wait just a minute young lady."

Uh those words "young lady" just get me every time. They go straight from my ears to the butterflies in my stomach. I grumpily turned around and fixed him with a look.

He raised his eyebrow and asked, "Why didn't you call to talk to me while you were driving home?"

I hate that. When he gets straight to the point when it's something we've discussed before. I mean what if I forgot.wait I probably shouldn't say that, that's the equivalent to begging for a spanking. And believe me I am not masochistic. So what if I just want more explanation about what he's talking about and why I'm in trouble and on and on. I love delays *smirk*.

Instead of answering I continued to look at him, while my stomach began raising the warning alarm.

"Did you play music on the way home to keep you alert?"

I shook my head. This was not going to be good.

He placed his hands on his hips and took his "I'm a top, can you tell?" stance. He grimly shook his head and looked down for a moment, before looking at me with his piercing gray eyes.

"We've talked about this" he quietly stated. "You know how dangerous it is to drive when you're not alert. I've watched you almost fall asleep at the wheel before, so you know how important it is for you to have something to keep you focused on the road."

"I..um I .." I took a breath. "Look why does it matter, I made it home just fine. And now I'm tired, so I would like to go take a nap."

"You know why this matters. This isn't just you we're talking about. There are other drivers out there trying to get home to families just like you, and your decision to do something out of stubbornness could affect them." He gradually started getting louder, "And most importantly I care, how do you think I feel knowing that at any moment you could have fallen asleep or zoned out like you do when you get tired and crashed."

"Look, I made it home. It doesn't matter. I didn't affect anyone. So can I please go to sleep?"

I may have raised my voice a tiny bit too loud. But he ignored my tone and continued unfazed by my yelling.

"This conversation is not over, but right now we need to get you in bed for a nap, so we can have a rational conversation," he calmly stated.

He grabbed my hand and led me up the stairs. Once we reached our bedroom, he gently swatted my bottom and sent me to use the bathroom. When I came back out he was sitting on the side of the bed. I felt relief as he wasn't in "spanking position", but irked all the same as he usually doesn't wait for me to get into bed. He called me over to him. He looked me in the eyes and briefly kissed me. Then he began to undress me for my nap. Usually I complain if he does this, because I like to do it myself, but I couldn't bring myself to stop him. After I was naked, he pulled back the sheets, quickly undressed himself, and we got under the covers. When I got in the bed, I faced away from him bent on keeping up my attitude. Next thing I know is that I felt lubed fingers at my back door entrance. Now everyone's probably like hold up. I actually was a little confused too, but let me explain. While I'm Mrs. Independent Brat, outside the four walls of our bedroom, our sexual relationship con

tains a very big master/slave element to it. I get hot just thinking of him using me for his pleasure. Anyways, I'm one of those kind of "slaves" that never refuse sex, mostly because I have a really high sex drive and also because I get off on just simply pleasing him. It was never a big issue anyways because he always knew when I was in the mood. So it was a little unexpected today of all days, when I was obviously not in the mood, but not completely out of the ordinary. I turned my head to glance back at him as he prepared me. He kissed my quirking eyebrows, then quickly lubed up and gently began pressing into me. I hissed as he slid into me. Once he pushed in to the hilt, he wrapped me up in his arms and pulled the covers over us.

I felt surrounded. He was everywhere, and I felt like I couldn't escape. He had never stayed inside me without moving before. I usually welcome the feeling of being completely possessed, but this way was too much. He had never done this before. He was like all around me and I felt claustrophobic. Maybe throw a couple of white walls in there. I began to panic and whimper. He stroked my hair and whispered to me so I could calm down. After I calmed down, I could only focus on him. I couldn't stop thinking about him. Then a thought crossed my mind.well a couple actually. I was his. His brat, his lover, his wife, his best friend, his love, and just simply his, just as he was mine. I mean just because he has a dick and I don't doesn't mean I'm a lesser person or less equal to him despite what some people think or even I sometimes think. And just because he spanks me doesn't mean he does it because I'm female and should be submissive to my husband and yada yada. I asked for this, we

wanted this, and it makes us belong to each other more not less. So of course he would care that I could have fallen asleep at the wheel. I started to tear up and shake with sobs. He held me all the more tighter.

"I'm sorry"

"Shh.I know sweetie"

"I .hiccup...l...love you. I was just being stupid, stubborn, and .sniff.and grumpy"

"You're not stupid sweetie and I love you too."

"And.I'm sorry.I acted like you didn't care.I know you care.I just don't want you to baby me.but I know that's not what you're doing."

There I said it. The issue that bothers me the most about being in a discipline relationship. Something that we have gone over many times. I'm not a baby; I'm not a less equal partner. I'm independent. And I can do whatever the heck I want including submit for a spanking. My mind says it all the time, but my heart doubts itself. Some people think that because I'm female, of course I would be in this role for our relationship. That's not what I feel. I do this because I want to and need to, not because of what society dictates. I am a strong woman, not one of those silly blonde girls. Therefore, I choose to be dependent and submit to discipline. Love already makes us dependent on one another, but discipline brings it to a whole other level.

He pulled me tighter to him, as if that was possible.

"You're not a baby. You're an independent woman, who chooses to submit to me. And I am the lucky man that you let love you and give you your needs just like you meet my needs."

I swear that he can read my mind.

"You're forgiven."

He held me as a cried myself to sleep.

When I woke up the first thing I noticed was that we were still one, and instead of fearing, I relished the sensation. I felt complete. Safe. Wonderfully possessed. He was also awake and was stroking my belly. I love when he does that. I turned my head to smile at him, and he kissed my cheek and gently pulled out of me. I whimpered a little. Then he patted my bottom and sent me to the bathroom again. When I came out, he was dressed, sitting on the bed in "spanking position" with our paddle on the nightstand. I must have lingered too long in the bathroom, or he must be using his superpowers because I swear no one can move as fast as he can. He didn't exactly catch me off guard, but I hadn't expected it so early in the afternoon. I was prepared though, since I had already had my owning up time. He didn't speak a word, just pulled me across his lap and proceeded to redden my brown cheeks with his hand, before giving me a thorough paddling.

Later when we were curling up, I felt myself flush before I whispered, "How did you know to do that?"

I'm glad he knew what that was, because I sure didn't feel like explaining. I still felt slightly achy from him being inside of me for so long.

"Honestly, I just went with my instincts and hoped and prayed you wouldn't think we were about to have sex and because I knew you would balk."

"For a moment I thought we were, but my gut said to trust you. I've never felt so connected to you before. It really grounded me. "

"I think I know why." I looked up into his eyes and knew that he wasn't fooled by my actions earlier today. My game was up, and we had to talk about it.

*****

About a month ago, my best friend found out my husband spanked me. It was an accident really. We never lock our front door, and she just walked right in our house without knocking, so we could leave for our girl's night out. This was a usual occurrence. Unfortunately, right before she walked in, I had just mouthed off to my husband in the kitchen, and was currently bent over the counter getting a thorough swatting when she stepped into the kitchen. She looked straight into my eyes and I watched her face turn red and her mouth drop open, before she quickly backed out of the kitchen and headed for the front door. My husband and I glanced at each other, before he let me go and I ran after her.

"Wait, let me explain"

"I don't need you too" she said shortly and continued walking.

"But you don't understand" I cried.

She stopped when she heard the tears in my voice.

"Oh dearie," She murmured softly before turning around, giving me a sad smile, and engulfing me with a hug.

"Please, let me explain" I cried into her shoulder. I suddenly felt her go tense, and realized that my husband had walked up behind me.

"I don't want to talk to you right now. Please, go into another room." She stated calmly.

He nodded his head and quietly said, "I understand." His face was still bright red as he turned and walked into our family room.

I had pretty much calmed down, so she coaxed me into the living room.

"Alright. Explain." She said, a little too shortly.

"Wait, I don't want you to be mad." I very close to tears again.

"Dearie, I'm not mad. I just worry. No matter what I'll still love you. Okay? Now talk to me"

I nodded and started explaining my relationship with my husband. She nodded every once in awhile. When I finished, she asked,

"Are you sure about this? Are you sure you're not being manipulated? How can I be sure that you're making decisions based on love and not codependence?"

"I don't know. The only thing I can tell you is that I want and need this. I love him. We love each other. He would never hurt me. I asked for this type of relationship and he was willing to go along with me and we've discovered a lot about ourselves."

She looked at me as if she was looking at someone she had never met before. I guess it was true though, she had never met this side of me before.

"But you've always seemed so independent and able to hold your own. Why do you need this?"

"I just do. I don't know how to explain it. And I can be independent and dependent in certain situations. I'm still the same person; I just have certain needs and wants."

She looked down for a second and shook her head.

"I'm not sure I understand, but I'm willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. I need to think. Know that I love you okay? I need to go. I'll call you dearie." With that she gave me a strong hug, kissed me on my cheek and left.

The second the front door closed I began crying again. My husband was by my side in an instant. Once he pulled me onto his lap, I had really begun to sob.

"This is all your fault. Why weren't you listening for the door?"

I knew I was being irrational, but I still slapped his chest twice hard, before and crumbled into the shelter of his arms.

"I'm sorry.I'm so very sorry." He murmured over and over as he stroked my back. I could hear the tears in his voice. I knew how much he hated to see me hurting.

When my crying slowed, I threw my arms around his neck and held him to me tightly.

"It's not really your fault. I'm sorry too."

His red rimmed eyes looked into mine as he whispered,

"Don't apologize. I should've been..."

I quickly interrupted,

"It really isn't your fault, I just like to blame people when I'm upset" I smirked at him. "You know this; I do it all the time".

That pulled a smile from him as he remembered all the times I blamed him for chores I didn't get done. Like if he hadn't bought the cable with all of the soccer channels, then I would never disobey him and sneak and watch TV, like the time I watched two games in a row instead of doing the laundry. Now that's purely logical. I mean he knows how I get when a soccer game comes on. Anyways, it warmed my heart to see him smile when he was so visibly upset. I loved that I could do that for him.

"Man poor me I get blamed for everything."

I hugged him.

"Well maybe you should stop doing bad things like buying soccer channels" I said jokingly, then in a whisper added ".and paddles".

He chuckled. "You're incorrigible."

A week later my best friend came back over. Our conversation was stilted, but at least we were still friends. I knew we could and would eventually figure it out and get back to normal. She was kind of wary around my husband though. I couldn't really help her there. They would have to figure that out for themselves.

Over the last two weeks I kept thinking about one statement she made, "You've always seemed so independent and able to hold your own. Why do you need this?" I know I should have said something to my husband, but I just kept stewing over it. I mean I am independent. aren't I? I can figure stuff out on my own. I don't need to tell my husband everything. Just because he spanks me doesn't mean I'm a wimp or something. I can hold my own. right? What if I am codependent? What if she's right? Nah, she can't be right, she was asking out of ignorance. But, what if? I can prove to her that I'm not if I wanted to.right? I'm my own person. I can do whatever the heck I want, when I want, how I want. Those thoughts ran through my head constantly, and unbeknownst to me, my subconscious had already made its decision. I had to prove that I could be independent. So, I started changing little things, like fixing my own plate at dinner, refusing to let him undress me before a nap or before going

to bed at night, and not calling him during lunch, because I don't need to inform him of every little thing. I stopped telling him about my day or discussing problems at work with him, instead I gave noncommittal answers like "everything's fine". Much to my chagrin, my husband didn't even seem to notice that I was being more independent. So, I got more drastic. I put my life in danger. I put his heart in danger.

*****

I looked back at him

"I'm sorry"

"I'm not looking for an apology sweetie. I just want you to understand that I do know what you're doing, and that you don't have to prove anything to me or anyone else. I know you're an independent woman who chooses to give up control. The operative word being choose. Don't let anyone but us define our relationship. Even your best friend."

Well I could never accuse my husband of holding back. He hit it right on the head. I sometimes wonder why I think I can hide from him, when he's found me out so many times before.

"I love you. I love who you are. I don't want you any different. I enjoy being there for you. I enjoy being an important part of your life. I love that you trust me enough to give up control. I love that you trust me to give you your needs. You need to trust yourself." He touched my chest as he emphasized. "In here. Trust your heart."

God, I love this man. He knows me so well. I curled up closer to him and looked him in the eyes and murmured,

"Thank you."

He rolled on his back and pulled me up to rest my head on his chest. After an exhausting day, I finally got some sleep.


~ Kristi

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